Dear Friend,
Yesterday,
I walked into Rainbow Grocery to pick up a few basics and to find
healthy Valentines Day treats, for my loved ones. I thought to myself,
"Isn't it great that we have a day to celebrate love?" Even as
commercial as it has become, this day reminds us of a the most powerful
energy that we human beings can experience.
LOVE
is my favorite subject. I have spent 25 plus years studying,
meditating, writing about love and coaching literally thousands of
couples and individuals to develop insights, skills and actions to
expand their love capacity. I've blended my triple areas of expertise;
science, psychology and spirituality to create a unique system to
mastery with love. I believe we are here as human beings to learn how to
love and we each have incredible potential to love. Barbara
and Joe, after 3 years of marriage in which they created more and more
conflict, learned the hard way that they needed a serious upgrade in
their communication skills. They both discovered that they grew up in
families where people got angry first and asked questions later. It was a
shock to them to learn that 50% of our love patterns are buried in our
subconscious by the time we are 4-years old. We certainly don't learn
love skills in school. This is why I created the Love, Money and Seva Seminars
because research shows that we love better when we learn better (that
is also true about money but we will save that for another time). Here
are two of the keys taught Barbara and Joe, I discovered them, through
my research and study. They provide the means to consistently grow and
expand love in order to create thriving relationships: 1. Insight Surprise! There is probably a 4-year old running your relationship!
What are the love patterns that you learned from your parents? For
example, if like Barbara and Joe, you had an angry rejecting parent,
chances are that you will become angry and rejecting towards anyone who
gets too close.Of course there is a flip side you might also develop a
needy clingy pattern. Now, by uncovering your love patterns you now have
a chance to transform them. Write
down the old pattern and then rewrite it in as an optimal love
enhancing pattern, begin with I Am worthy and deserving of love, I love
and accept myself more and more everyday. I am now ready... keep it
short, visual and include an action you will take. 2. Skill We
all know communication is important. HOW to do it well is the key.
First, there is listening. The best listeners practice what I call: VAC. When someone else is speaking: - Validate their feelings
- Accept their feelings (because feelings are neither right nor wrong; they are simply feelings)
- C: offer them comfort and seek to understand their concerns
If
someone is blowing up or venting in a way that is hurtful or abusive,
that is not skillful communication. It is OK for you to set a boundary
and say, "I see you are really upset, and when you feel calmer, I would
love to talk to you about this." If you are the speaker, it is very important you practice FUR. - F: Feelings.
For instance, say, "This is what I am feeling right now." Avoid
"blaming" as in "You always come home late" which promotes combat
rather than understanding.
- U: Upset. For example, "When I didn't receive a call, letting me know you would be late, I felt upset."
- R: Request.
This is where the issue gets solved. For example : "I would really
appreciate a call when you are going to be more than 30 minutes late."
Since
your brain has created learned patterns from childhood, it will take
some consistent practice to master these new communication skills. I'm
happy to say that Barbara and Joe are doing quite well and have resolved
many issues using VAC and FUR.
You can do it too and more by joining me for:
LEAP INTO LOVE: 5 Secrets to Creating Empowering,Ecstatic and Fully Alive Love! This in depth 90min Love teleseminar is my Valentine's Day gift to you. Isn't there always room to grow in Love?
Register Here Now!
Lots of Love and Many Blessings!
Dr. Brenda
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